Category: fear of failure

Ignoring God’s Call – Bad Idea!

by Linda Russell, posted in A Holy Whack, Do Something, fear of failure, life is short
(iStock photo)

First, I will treat you to the condensed version: “What the #%*& am I waiting for?”

  • About twenty-three years ago, in a clear audible voice, God told me to write a book. So I did. Then, I paid $10,000 (yep, that’s the correct number of zeros) to have it edited and self-published. Two thousand copies were dropped off on my front porch a few months later. Then, I stared at them, realizing I knew nothing about marketing. And apparently, I knew nothing about trusting a “Christian publisher” who knew nothing about editing. So they languished in my basement until I had them burned. Literally. I rewrote the book and had five hundred printed. Most of those are still in boxes.
  • I continually claim I want to be healthy, yet I have started, changed, and failed on more diets than I ever wanted to admit. Oh yeah – and – mint chocolate ice cream!
  • I am determined to start running again. I dust off my running shoes, trip over boxes of books trying to get out the door. Then, have to rest with an ice pack on my ankle.
  • I have been writing a blog for 20 years and give up whenever I consider submitting articles for publication. When writing, I sometimes crack myself up with my weird sense of humor and occasionally impress myself when writing about some awesome AHA moment. But I’m likely just living in the light of my own ego.

So, that’s the condensed story of me getting and staying stuck for most of my adult life. Unfortunately, I can’t give you a number of years because I have never been good at “adulting” well!

Now, here I am, looking down the barrel of old age and the reality that I am not a modern-day female Methuselah who has lots of time to get my act together.

James Finley says of Step Two of AA, “The admitting then brings us to a place in which, if this is up to me, it is not looking good. As long as we were still holding on to this ideology of our brokenness as having the final say in who we are, we were not capable of seeing this because we actually had faith in our own brokenness as the power to name who we are.”

Another enlightening moment materialized for me after reading Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work, which I wrote about in my last post. He tells us to “Stop telling the story of your past and start telling the story of your future.”

Apparently, all of our “stuckness” is of our own making because we have allowed others to define us. That gets embedded into our beliefs about ourselves and directs our thoughts and actions. Fun stuff!

F. Scott Fitzgerald said:

“For what it’s worth… it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you’ve never felt before. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start over again.”

And so, here I sit after fracturing a pelvic bone and being told by the doctor to SIT for 4-6 weeks! I don’t listen well and certainly don’t “SIT” well! But, this incident certainly got my attention. Actually, I believe it was God that got my attention:

GOD: So, Linda, there you sit on your broken parts, checking off the days until you are mobile again. While you’re sitting there, have you come up with a new excuse for not using those gifts I gave you? You do know I never created a female version of Methuselah, right?

I’m losing my patience with you, Linda Russell. You don’t want me to lose my patience (read: Job and Jonah).

ME: Oops.

Alrighty then. Here I go. Today, I will spend my sitting time finding a Christian Publishing Company that accepts articles. Submit one. Say a prayer. Send. Then, celebrate with a well-deserved nap!

Fun Factoid: A French woman, Jeanne Calment, was certified as the oldest living person by the Guinness Book of Records. Then, it was discovered that her daughter stole her identity to avoid paying inheritance taxes!

Linda, Listen to Me!

by Linda Russell, posted in AHA moments, fear of failure, God's plan, grace, Life's Choices, listen to me, Our Imperfection, Trusting God, Using our gifts

I know many people, and I’ll bet you do too, perhaps even you, who can’t believe God has a plan for them. Over the years, I have encountered people who don’t believe me when I tell them my story. “Oh, really?! God told you to do that, huh? Right!”  To be honest, I wouldn’t have believed it myself if he hadn’t gradually brought me to a place where I could trust him, even if I was fearful and had no idea what he was up to.

God has always longed to grow me into the person he meant me to be. It was me resisting; me not being present to him; me missing the mystery and majesty that surrounded me because I was just too busy to notice, or more likely, too afraid. So instead, I skipped along, trying to drown out his voice, “Lalalalalalalala, I can’t hear you!”

For years, there were little promptings that, in hindsight, proved to me he was on the job (Romans 8:28). Then bigger ones that required more trust and offered way more grace than I deserved. God opened my heart in ways I could not have imagined. Though I still mess up – and often – I know God’s response is out of love for me; his admonitions tell me that he loves me too much to let me stay stuck in my messiness.

We are so used to being in a world that is loud and demanding of our attention. We busy ourselves filling in uncomfortably quiet places. That’s how we miss God’s “still small voice” or “gentle whisper” (1 Kings 19:12). Sure, he’s good at those show-stopper whirlwinds, earthquakes, and fire. Even what I have called 2×4 moments, but they didn’t leave marks like the ones my mother inflicted. Because of her, I was always on guard for those “laying down the law” whacks that I expected from God too, when I messed up. But, I believe he more often speaks through Spirit’s whispers of pure grace.

We can be so enmeshed in and blinded by the things of this world we miss out on our whole purpose for being here. So if you are going through life day after unremarkable day, schlepping through the same routine to ad nauseum – STOP IT! Your life has a purpose that God depends on you to fulfill. You matter that much!

We are all called to holiness, called to use the gifts and talents already given us for God’s kingdom work right here – right now. It just takes awareness on our part. (I would highly recommend Anthony DeMello’s book by the same name, “Awareness”).

Leo Tolstoy’s novel, “The Death of Ivan Ilyich”,  considered a masterpiece, was written just after his own “profound spiritual awakening” and conversion experience. While lying on his deathbed, Ilyich ruminated about the reality that his entire life was superficial and self-serving, and he profoundly stated, “Maybe I didn’t live as I should have done?” In the end, he posited a question that Tolstoy must have pondered himself, “What if I really have been wrong in the way I’ve lived my whole life, my conscious life?” Oops, a little late, buddy!

It was too late for Ilyich, but not Tolstoy. He discovered his purpose and rejected his aristocratic life to follow Jesus’ teachings – particularly the Sermon on the Mount. Years later, his writings profoundly impacted Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., and countless others.

Soooooo, what are you waiting for? You must still be breathing, or you wouldn’t be reading this. That’s a start. Incredibly, no matter how you lived your life to this point, it’s not too late to begin again. New beginnings are God’s specialty!

“To infinity and beyond!” God coined that phrase, you know. Don’t believe me? HUMPH! Check out Ephesians 3:20, “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” 

Alrighty then, you’re pumped and ready to go, right? You’ve packed your sandals, and camel hair coat, and checked Google Maps – for what? A sign from God?

HTTP://ministry-to-childern, Carlos Bautista

Stop! Take a deep breath. Maybe start by sitting quietly with God and waiting.

Don’t look to anyone else to give you a formula or a checklist to send you on your way to your destiny. But I will tell you this: You cannot love and serve others (which is our greatest calling) until you can love yourself. And you can’t love yourself utilizing any of the myriads of self-help books on the market. You can only do that by growing in the knowledge that you are deeply and passionately loved first by the God who created you! And you can only do that by being in relationship with him, which requires your time and attention. You are his son/daughter with whom he is well-pleased (Matthew 17:5). Let that sink in. We are all deeply loved sinners. It’s high time we act like it, don’t you think?

Absolutely, go to church, take the time to read scripture, and pray, But mostly, LISTEN! Geeeezzzzz, we’re so bad at listening.

Failure Will Not Have the Last Word

by Linda Russell, posted in Boldness in adversity, fear of failure, God's plan

Funny word, “failure”. We tend to judge everything that misses the mark according to our expectations: Anything that does not invoke praise and accolades from others is deemed a failure. The times I have whined to God in deep sorrow for my failings have grown beyond my ability to number them.

“Lord, I know this was from you – I did it – I failed at it – I am a despicable wretch! For example: remember way back in 2001, when you said, “Write a book”, and I did? I am yet to see it on the New York Times best-seller list. Your book would have been #1 on that list – forever!”

The Bible comes to mind. “No disrespect, but why didn’t you just write it yourself? I mean, really.” Countless people have written and rewritten it until the essence of your message is often blurred and confusing.

God: “Are you finished, Linda?”

“Oops (a Job moment), “Yes, sorry.”

God: “I’m not interested in how the world views your work. I am ONLY interested in how you trust and obey me. I thought your story of surrendering to me was beautiful. Okay, there were a few typos. But, that part about ‘giving birth’? I’m still laughing at that one. So, will you please quit your whining!?”

When we are obsessed with success and failure, trusting in God’s plan can become obscured by fear. Often, I read these magnificent words from Thomas Merton to remind myself of God’s call for me to trust him:

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that my desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

I have learned countless lessons about trusting God. Many of my attempts were wrought with uncertainty and assumptions of failure throughout eleven years of my book-writing adventure. But I knew without a doubt it was God speaking to my heart from the beginning. His words, “Write a book”, were not cloaked in ambiguity. They were clear and undeniable.

The book’s first edition (yes, there have been two) was an unbelievably daunting challenge. God made it sound simple enough. But, here’s where I began to falter: I made some very costly errors in judgment, and the book was published with several editing issues. I was angry with the publisher and myself and proceeded to complain to God.

Through tears of disappointment and self-doubt, I wanted to know why he had directed me to write a book when I understood nothing about the process that would ensue. I felt I had failed him because everything seemed to go wrong. So, here’s God, ears covered, “Blah, blah, blah, I can’t hear you. Get it published.” Fine. I attempted many times to offer it to publishers, becoming the recipient of more rejections than Charles Manson when he tried to find a date for the prom! So, I self-published. 

After the fact, I read a book about self-publishing. Wanna know what it said? “NEVER, write a book FIRST! Get your name out there with published articles, establish a following, and then write your book.” Apparently, God failed to read that book.

Anyway, I was confused about how to proceed. Did I mention that I had 2500 books delivered to my doorstep and knew nothing about marketing? Did I mention that?! Then, to my utter amazement, people actually bought the book; people not even related to me!

The next surprise? The publication, and subsequent sales, of my very imperfect book, led to speaking engagements – a notion that I found incomprehensible since I had never felt the slightest longing to stand in front of an audience and reveal my true self. All my attention-grabbing stunts during my childhood had been designed to hide the real me! The very idea of speaking to a group of people horrified the adult me. I wanted to slap myself silly for saying “yes” without consulting my more reluctant self. What a long list of grumblers I follow: Moses (Exodus 4:10-17) and Jeremiah (Jeremiah 4-9), just to name two we know well.

Did I mention that the book is now in its second edition (edited more professionally)? I’m still not sure why. Still no call from the New York Times. But – and here is where God has wanted me all along – it doesn’t matter if I sell even one. I am happy to give them away. God said, “Write”, – so I wrote. Everything else is fodder for Satan.

I, like Job, learned the hard way to accept being on a need-to-know basis when I feel God calling me, like Abraham (Genesis 12:1-3), to get on my camel and ride. No GPS, no roadmap, no crystal ball. I now find myself enjoying the adventure, even with blindfolds on!

So the next time you find yourself making room on the shelf for your next trophy, only to stare at the empty space it should have been placed in, try sitting quietly with the lesson. It’s there. Pray and wait for it. Like when you are passed over for the job rightfully yours, stop to consider the lesson. When your plans to join a mission team in Haiti are dashed because you could not raise the funds – you got it – stop and listen to God. There’s a lesson there somewhere.

I can never give up trusting that God’s plan for me is PERFECT, even when everyone else tells me I am a pathetic loser!

Boring Sermon Causes Boy to Jump to His Death

by Linda Russell, posted in fear of failure, Using our gifts, Women serving God

Ladies, this one’s for you! Guys, you’re welcome to listen in if you can refrain from making faces or snarky comments. So, let’s continue:

He didn’t really jump. He fell. But he was still dead. But not for long because Paul revived him. Just to drag his aching body back upstairs to listen for hours more! Do you think I’m kidding? Here’s what happened: Acts: 20:7-12, “We met on Sunday to worship and celebrate the Master’s Supper. Paul addressed the congregation. We planned to leave first thing in the morning, but Paul talked on and on the way past midnight….A young man named Eutychus was sitting in an open window. As Paul went on and on, Eutychus fell sound asleep and toppled out the third-story window. When they picked him up, he was dead. Paul went down, fell on him (Resuscitation methods certainly have evolved, haven’t they?), and hugged him hard. “No more crying,” he said. “There’s life in him yet.” Then Paul… went on telling stories of the faith until dawn!”

Take a hint, Paul!

So, some preaches should not be preaching

Paul certainly had his gifts, but droning on and on may not have been his crowning achievement.

Some teachers should not be teaching

Matthew 23:13 (NIV), “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.”

Some prophets maybe should not have been prophesying, at least not naked

Isaiah 20:3, “And the LORD said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a sign and wonder upon Egypt and upon Ethiopia….”

On the other hand, some who have been gifted fail to say “yes” to their calling.

Ladies, I am talking to you in particular!

And there is no better time than now as we approach Jesus’ final hours to discuss this topic.

You know how this goes. Jesus had been walking with and teaching his disciples for three years. But, unfortunately, they were a motley crew of doubters, nay-sayers, and power grabbers, often blind fools who could not see beyond their cultural biases.

And the women? They understood very well their customs and traditions. They were inferior to men, under the rule of their fathers or husbands, and had no authority in any area of their lives. Women were not allowed in the Temple to worship, and talking to strangers was forbidden. The slightest infraction of these laws often resulted in their being stoned to death.

Then along came Jesus. Glory be! He loved them, talked to them, and raised them to a new status. Though it may be difficult to believe because they are rarely named, Jesus had many female disciples. Who stuck around when Jesus was led to his trial? The men? NO! They ran scared. It was the women who stayed with him from the moment he touched their lives until his resurrection.

The men ran off in fear because this was not what they had envisioned. They were sure Jesus came as an earthly king, and they would share in his power. When it was clear things were going badly, they hid behind locked doors to save their own sorry butts.

Not so the women. Ah, you gotta love those women! Jesus had so empowered them that there was nothing that would keep them away from his side. It’s as if they were saying to all those who participated in Jesus’ crucifixion, “Go ahead, make my day! Crucify me too! I’m not afraid of you anymore!”

Who did Jesus first appear to after his resurrection? The disciples? No! Okay, probably not We don’t know for sure. Most scripture scholars believe it was Mary Magdalene and “the other Mary.” Some scholars say he did not appear to Mary first but to Cleopas or the disciples, but it is important to remember that some scripture writers were concerned about cultural norms that could have influenced their writing. So, I’m sticking with Mary on this one.

What is important is what we take away from Jesus’ love for and treatment of women, the worth and value he placed on them. Remember, for men in those days, it was all about power. Serving others was foreign to them; it was not their responsibility, not so with women. Women are innately gifted for service, nurturing, compassion, and putting others first. That was the connection they had with Jesus. A man who valued and related to their giftedness for the first time in their life.

I am reasonably sure you will not feel you have anything to offer until you believe how deeply God loves you and how he longs to forgive the sins you cling to as proof that you are not worthy of that love. That was the reality for me. Life had convinced me that I was a terrible mistake. I deduced that he wasn’t there when I was being abused because he didn’t care, and he undoubtedly hated me for my own sinfulness.

But then something happened that changed my life. It was a pivotal moment that I talked about in my book. That moment when God said, “Linda, I was there when you were being abused, suffering right along with you, and I was there every time you sinned. But your life will be restored if you turn to me and seek my forgiveness and mercy. Your true self – the person I created out of love – will emerge and thrive! Just trust me.

God has called each of us to use our gifts for his glory, to make our little corner of the world a better place, and to let his light shine on our suffering brothers and sisters. I don’t know what gifts God has given you. But if they are teaching, preaching, or prophesying, just don’t be boring, and don’t do it naked…PLEASE!