Category: fear of failure

The Blessings, Beauty, and Boldness of Not-Quite

by Linda Russell, posted in AHA moments, Consider trials pure joy!, fear of failure, God's "rules", God's plan, life's trials, serving others
(https://www.roman-catholic-saints.com/index.html)

I am in a place in my life, that last bit of my journey, that rounding the corner and spotting the finish line, where I could easily bemoan my failings. I’m now certain it’s too late for, oh, I don’t know, running the New York City marathon or climbing Kilimanjaro. Beyond that, I don’t know.

The blessings of uncertainty

Uncertainty seems to be rejected by many Christians who see it as a weakness. Certitude, on the other hand, is what we subscribe to in a faith that makes God more acceptable and knowable, with no surprises lurking in the bushes. It offers a checklist of everything we need to do to “get to heaven” – Attend church weekly. Check. Tithe 10% of your earnings before expenses and frivolous spending. Check-ish. No cursing, snarkiness, or holier-than-thouness – on Sundays – the rest of the week is fine.

If you’ve checked those boxes, nothing more is expected of you – EVER! You can just go about your life any way you please. I can profess to having been all in with those “rules”. Until I wasn’t. That’s the point in my life when I looked back and saw the emptiness and shallowness of my existence. That’s when God spoke into my brokenness and showed me his equally broken heart because he knew he created me for more. The gifts and blessings he had given me sat unused because of fear and doubt that I was worthy of them.

In this place, I thought I could act as if God didn’t really care, and I could go about my life risk-free. But what if my denying that my life actually had a purpose turned out to be a no-good, very bad, nightmarish end? What then? Could I take my “followed all the rules” checklist to the gates of heaven, and they would open wide to me while the angels sang hallelujah? (BTW, heaven isn’t a place. You know that, right?) Anyway…

I ever so slowly began to sit with God and actually listen to his promptings to “go,” like Abraham. I trusted him—mostly. I also resisted my impulses to explain to him why whatever direction he was pointing me in was probably not a good idea. I reminded him of the litany of all my failings and wondered if someone else (think Moses) might be a better choice. Is Aaron still around?

Slow but steady change

I know exactly when I began to change. It was in 2001, on that momentous day, in the early morning, when God butted into my perfectly peaceful run and changed my life. I’ve told that story often, so I won’t bore you with it again, except to say that God has had me on a lot of adventures since then!

I have had many fits and starts and often questioned the wisdom of his guidance, only to see afterward how each experience changed and grew me in some way. They have each played a part in helping me to believe that God’s plan for each of us is perfect – always! And if you doubt that for a moment, let me share this incredible story about St. Benedict Joseph Labore. Everything in quotations is taken from the book SAINTS FOR SINNERS by Alban Goodier, S.J. https://www.ewtn.com/catholicism/library/st-benedict-joseph-labre-the-beggar-saint-5838.

The poor, homeless, beggar saint who never stumbled

Saint Benedict Joseph Labore was born into a wealthy family. His parents and fourteen siblings loved that lifestyle, but not Benedict. He rejected their obsession with fame and fortune – it disgusted him. So, off he went as a young teenager to make his own way, to discover his purpose. He was certain he was destined to be a monk. But it was a long road with many rejections and disappointments along the way.

He was first drawn to the Trappist Order as their ideas were contrary to what everyone else seemed to treasure. He applied to the La Trappe Abby, but when he arrived, they rejected him, stating that “He was underage, he was too delicate; he had no special recommendations.” But he didn’t give up. He applied to the the Carthusians of Montreuil only to be rejected once again. Still unwilling to give up, he applied to another Carthusain order. He was accepted but was soon rejected by them because “The monks grew uneasy; they feared for the brain of this odd young man. They told him he had no vocation, and he was dismissed.” Even after being rejected three times and being told he was simply not monk material, he was still resolute, knowing differently in his heart.

Undeterred, he began a year-long course of studies the Carthusians listed as the cause of his rejection. He reapplied, and they accepted him. But, again, it was short-lived, and they showed him the door. Still, he tried two more times for acceptance, to no avail.

So, at the age of twenty-five, undeterred and still determined to live his calling, he set off on his own, with nothing and no one to accompany him. He endured the extreme elements, ate what was given to him by the generosity of others, and he smelled – bad! But, somehow, he felt “no bitterness or disappointment” in this life of poverty that he embraced. He died a pauper at the age of thirty-four. Awww, too bad, you say? What a wasted life, you say? Wellll….

Here comes a miracle!

Word quickly got out that he died: “So great was the crowd that the guard of police had to be doubled; a line of soldiers accompanied the body to the church; more honor could scarcely have been paid to a royal corpse.

From the moment it was laid there, the church thronged with mourners….The throng all the time went on increasing. People of every rank and condition gathered there, at the feet of Benedict the Beggar. But the enthusiasm did not end with the funeral. Crowds continued to flock to the church, and soldiers were called out to keep order. At length the expedient was tried of closing the church altogether for some days. It was of no avail; as soon as the church was reopened, the crowds came again and continued coming for two months. Nothing like it had been seen before, even in Rome; if ever anyone was declared a saint by popular acclamation it was Benedict Joseph Labre, the beggar.”

Who am I to question God’s plan?

Now, I could easily compare St. Benedict’s story to my own meager efforts to use the gifts God has given me to serve and care for others. But what I have learned from this is that God isn’t asking for perfection. He has no expectations other than the offering of my “yes” to him and that I will do my best. The rest belongs to him. And the only thing I should long for at the end of my life are the words, “Well done!” Well done – indeed!

Ignoring God’s Call – Bad Idea!

by Linda Russell, posted in A Holy Whack, Do Something, fear of failure, life is short
(iStock photo)

First, I will treat you to the condensed version of: “What the #%*& am I waiting for?”

  • About twenty-three years ago, in a clear audible voice, God told me to write a book. So I did. Then, I paid $10,000 (yep, that’s the correct number of zeros) to have it edited and self-published. Two thousand copies were dropped off on my front porch a few months later. Then, I stared at them, realizing I knew nothing about marketing. And apparently, I knew nothing about trusting a “Christian publisher” who knew nothing about editing. So they languished in my basement until I had them burned. Literally. I rewrote the book and had five hundred printed. Most of those are still in boxes.
  • I continually claim I want to be healthy, yet I have started, changed, and failed on more diets than I want to admit. Oh yeah – and – mint chocolate ice cream!
  • I am determined to start running again. I dust off my running shoes and trip over boxes of books, trying to get out the door. Then, have to rest with an ice pack on my ankle.
  • I have been writing a blog for 20 years and give up whenever I consider submitting articles for publication. When writing, I sometimes crack myself up with my weird sense of humor and occasionally impress myself when writing about some awesome AHA moment. But I’m likely just living in the light of my own ego.

So, that’s the condensed story of me getting and staying stuck for most of my adult life. Unfortunately, I can’t give you an accurate number of years. But I can say with confidence that I have never been good at “adulting” well!

Now, here I am, looking down the barrel of old age and the reality that I am not a modern-day female Methuselah who has lots of time to get my act together.

James Finley says of Step Two of AA, “The admitting then brings us to a place in which, if this is up to me, it is not looking good. As long as we were still holding on to this ideology of our brokenness as having the final say in who we are, we were not capable of seeing this because we actually had faith in our own brokenness as the power to name who we are.” That pretty much describes me!

Another enlightening moment materialized for me after reading Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work, which I wrote about in my last post. He tells us to “Stop telling the story of your past and start telling the story of your future.”

Apparently, all of our “stuckness” is of our own making because we have allowed others to define us. That gets embedded into our beliefs about ourselves and directs our thoughts and actions. Fun stuff!

F. Scott Fitzgerald said, “For what it’s worth… it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you’ve never felt before. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start over again.”

And so, here I sit after fracturing a pelvic bone and being told by the doctor to SIT for 4-6 weeks! I don’t listen well and certainly don’t “SIT” well! But this incident certainly got my attention. Actually, I believe it was God that got my attention:

GOD: So, Linda, there you sit on your broken parts, checking off the days until you are mobile again. While you’re sitting there, have you come up with a new excuse for not using those gifts I gave you? You do know I never created a female version of Methuselah, right?

I’m losing my patience with you, Linda Russell. You don’t want me to lose my patience (read: Job and Jonah).

ME: Oops.

Alrighty then. Here I go. Today, I will spend my sitting time finding a Christian Publishing Company that accepts articles. Submit one. Say a prayer. Send. Then, celebrate with a well-deserved nap!

Failure Will Not Have the Last Word

by Linda Russell, posted in Boldness in adversity, fear of failure, God's plan

Funny word, “failure”. We tend to judge everything that misses the mark according to our expectations: Anything that does not invoke praise and accolades from others is deemed a failure. The times I have whined to God in deep sorrow for my failings have grown beyond my ability to number them.

Lord, I know this was from you – I did it – I failed at it – I am a despicable wretch! For example: remember way back in 2001, when You said, “Write a book”, and I did? I am yet to see it on the New York Times best-seller list. Your book would have been #1 on that list – forever!”

The Bible comes to mind. “No disrespect, but why didn’t You just write it yourself? I mean, really. Countless people have written and rewritten it until the essence of Your message is often blurred and confusing.“

God: “Are you finished, Linda?”

Me: Oops (a Job moment), “Yes. Sorry.”

God: “I’m not interested in how the world views your work. I am ONLY interested in how you trust and obey Me. I thought your story of surrendering to Me was beautiful. Okay, there were a few typos. But, that part about ‘giving birth’? I’m still laughing at that one. So, will you please quit your whining!?”

When we are obsessed with the outcomes success and failure, trusting in God’s plan can become obscured by fear. Often, I read these magnificent words from Thomas Merton to remind myself of God’s call for me to trust Him:

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that my desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

I have learned countless lessons about trusting God. Many of my attempts were wrought with uncertainty and assumptions of failure throughout eleven years of my book-writing adventure. But I knew without a doubt it was God speaking to my heart from the beginning. His words, “Write a book”, were not cloaked in ambiguity. They were clear and undeniable.

The book’s first edition (yes, there have been two) was an unbelievably daunting and very expensive – as in $10,000 expensive – challenge. God made it sound simple enough. But, here’s where I began to falter: I made some very costly errors in judgment when choosing the Editor, and the book was published with several issues. I was angry with the publisher (that soon after went out of business) and myself and proceeded to complain to God.

Through tears of disappointment and self-doubt, I wanted to know why He had directed me to write a book when I understood nothing about the process that would ensue. I felt I had failed Him because everything seemed to go wrong. So, here’s God, ears covered, “Blah, blah, blah, I can’t hear you. Get it published.” Fine. I attempted many times to offer it to publishers, becoming the recipient of more rejections than Charles Manson when he tried to find a date for the prom! So, I self-published it. 

After the fact, I read a book about self-publishing. Wanna know what it said? “NEVER, write a book FIRST! Get your name out there with published articles, establish a following, and then write your book.” Apparently, God failed to read that book.

Anyway, I was confused about how to proceed. Did I mention that I had 2500 books delivered to my doorstep and knew nothing about marketing? Did I mention that?! Then, to my utter amazement, people actually bought the book; people not even related to me!

The next surprise? The publication and subsequent sales, (though nothing earth-shaking for sure) of my very imperfect book led to a few speaking engagements – a notion that I found incomprehensible since I had never felt the slightest longing to stand in front of an audience and reveal my true self.

All my attention-grabbing stunts during my childhood had been designed to hide the real me! The very idea of speaking to a group of people horrified the adult me. I wanted to slap myself silly for saying “yes” without consulting my more reluctant self. What a long list of grumblers I follow: Moses (Exodus 4:10-17) and Jeremiah (Jeremiah 4-9), just to name two we know well.

Did I mention that the book is now in its second edition (edited more professionally)? I’m still not sure why. Still no call from the New York Times or Oprah. But – and here is where God has wanted me all along – it doesn’t matter if I sell even one. I am happy to give them away. God said, “Write”, – so I wrote. Everything else is fodder for Satan.

I, like Job, learned the hard way to accept being on a need-to-know basis when I feel God calling me, like Abraham (Genesis 12:1-3), to get on my camel and ride. No GPS, no roadmap, no crystal ball. I now find myself enjoying the adventure, even with blindfolds on!

So the next time you find yourself making room on the shelf for your next trophy, only to stare at the empty space it should have been placed in, try sitting quietly with the lesson. It’s there. Pray and wait for it.

When you are passed over for the job rightfully yours, stop to consider the lesson. When your plans to join a mission team in Haiti are dashed because you could not raise the funds – you got it – stop and listen to God. There’s a lesson there somewhere.

(clipart library)

I can never give up trusting that God’s plan for me is PERFECT, even if everyone else tells me I am a pathetic loser!

Oh, and if you’re interested in a book, I have a few hundred still available – free. Just contact me!

Boring Sermon Causes Boy to Jump to His Death

by Linda Russell, posted in fear of failure, Using our gifts, Women serving God

Ladies, this one’s for you! Guys, you’re welcome to listen in if you can refrain from making faces or snarky comments. So, let’s continue:

He didn’t really jump. He fell. But he was still dead. But not for long because Paul revived him. Just to drag his aching body back upstairs to listen for hours more! Do you think I’m kidding? Here’s what happened: Acts: 20:7-12, “We met on Sunday to worship and celebrate the Master’s Supper. Paul addressed the congregation. We planned to leave first thing in the morning, but Paul talked on and on the way past midnight….A young man named Eutychus was sitting in an open window. As Paul went on and on, Eutychus fell sound asleep and toppled out the third-story window. When they picked him up, he was dead. Paul went down, fell on him (Resuscitation methods certainly have evolved, haven’t they?), and hugged him hard. “No more crying,” he said. “There’s life in him yet.” Then Paul… went on telling stories of the faith until dawn!”

Take a hint, Paul!

So, some preaches should not be preaching

Paul certainly had his gifts, but droning on and on may not have been his crowning achievement.

Some teachers should not be teaching

Matthew 23:13 (NIV), “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.”

Some prophets maybe should not have been prophesying, at least not naked

Isaiah 20:3, “And the LORD said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a sign and wonder upon Egypt and upon Ethiopia….”

On the other hand, some who have been gifted fail to say “yes” to their calling.

Ladies, I am talking to you in particular!

And there is no better time than now as we approach Jesus’ final hours to discuss this topic.

You know how this goes. Jesus had been walking with and teaching his disciples for three years. But, unfortunately, they were a motley crew of doubters, nay-sayers, and power grabbers, often blind fools who could not see beyond their cultural biases.

And the women? They understood very well their customs and traditions. They were inferior to men, under the rule of their fathers or husbands, and had no authority in any area of their lives. Women were not allowed in the Temple to worship, and talking to strangers was forbidden. The slightest infraction of these laws often resulted in their being stoned to death.

Then along came Jesus. Glory be! He loved them, talked to them, and raised them to a new status. Though it may be difficult to believe because they are rarely named, Jesus had many female disciples. Who stuck around when Jesus was led to his trial? The men? NO! They ran scared. It was the women who stayed with him from the moment he touched their lives until his resurrection.

The men ran off in fear because this was not what they had envisioned. They were sure Jesus came as an earthly king, and they would share in his power. When it was clear things were going badly, they hid behind locked doors to save their own sorry butts.

Not so the women. Ah, you gotta love those women! Jesus had so empowered them that there was nothing that would keep them away from his side. It’s as if they were saying to all those who participated in Jesus’ crucifixion, “Go ahead, make my day! Crucify me too! I’m not afraid of you anymore!”

Who did Jesus first appear to after his resurrection? The disciples? No! Okay, probably not We don’t know for sure. Most scripture scholars believe it was Mary Magdalene and “the other Mary.” Some scholars say he did not appear to Mary first but to Cleopas or the disciples, but it is important to remember that some scripture writers were concerned about cultural norms that could have influenced their writing. So, I’m sticking with Mary on this one.

What is important is what we take away from Jesus’ love for and treatment of women, the worth and value he placed on them. Remember, for men in those days, it was all about power. Serving others was foreign to them; it was not their responsibility, not so with women. Women are innately gifted for service, nurturing, compassion, and putting others first. That was the connection they had with Jesus. A man who valued and related to their giftedness for the first time in their life.

I am reasonably sure you will not feel you have anything to offer until you believe how deeply God loves you and how he longs to forgive the sins you cling to as proof that you are not worthy of that love. That was the reality for me. Life had convinced me that I was a terrible mistake. I deduced that he wasn’t there when I was being abused because he didn’t care, and he undoubtedly hated me for my own sinfulness.

But then something happened that changed my life. It was a pivotal moment that I talked about in my book. That moment when God said, “Linda, I was there when you were being abused, suffering right along with you, and I was there every time you sinned. But your life will be restored if you turn to me and seek my forgiveness and mercy. Your true self – the person I created out of love – will emerge and thrive! Just trust me.

God has called each of us to use our gifts for his glory, to make our little corner of the world a better place, and to let his light shine on our suffering brothers and sisters. I don’t know what gifts God has given you. But if they are teaching, preaching, or prophesying, just don’t be boring, and don’t do it naked…PLEASE!