I am in such a strange and incredibly exciting place right now.  I’m not sure I know how to write about it. But here it goes.

When I’m done here, you may think I have gone off the deep end, and you will soon hear that I ran away to live in a commune in the woods (they still exist, you know). It’s okay. I know I’m in a better place just being able to write this with a smile on my face and a full heart, not worrying about what others think. I’ve done that for too long, and I’m now aware of how it affects my very being. 

I have often said that I’m an introvert, but I now believe it would be more honest to say that I avoided people because of fear of being judged. In the past, when faced with meeting new people in new circumstances, I would be a nervous wreck. Obsessing over my appearance being acceptable, how I would speak, how I would be perceived/judged by others. Did I forget to shave my legs? It was exhausting!

For most of my life, I have been a mess of contradictions (and let all the people say, “DUH!”). Then, I began learning to meditate through the work of Dr. Joe Dispenza. It’s profound that it started during Lent, as I was constantly reminded of the truth of my life in light of the Easter story.

I have learned how we get stuck in the past. How our thoughts, words, and actions can’t seem to get beyond our misguided beliefs about ourselves. Instead, we allow others to determine our worth and tell ourselves repeatedly that what they say about us and what we believe about ourselves is true. Then we ruminate on our painful past experiences to prove it!

We go through every day on autopilot, settling for the mundane when God longs to shower us with a rich and abundant life beyond our imagining (1 Cor. 2:9). We need only claim it as our inheritance. But we don’t believe it. Our past experience tells us not to trust it, there’s always a catch!

I’ve come to recognize the emotions I bought into: fear, anger, hopelessness, emptiness, and judgment. Yet, God yearns to exchange those lies for our true essence –manifested through our innate desire for something more than the world can offer. That “more” can be realized through the Easter story, if we open our hearts to it.

Resurrection was not a once-and-done deal, it is continual for all of us. God’s redeeming love is never-ending. In his grace and mercy, he can change our misery into joy, fear into hope, and emptiness into the fullness of life. He can shine his light into the darkness of our despair.

God can give us new eyes to see that in the depth of the Easter story, Jesus shows us the beauty of replacing ego with humility. We are called to emulate his life, which requires us to let go of the parts of ourselves that have caused us and others untold pain and suffering.

We are meant to thrive, not simply survive, but our past holds us back and tells us we are not good enough, loved enough, or powerful enough to create a different reality. Even though, during every Easter season, God proclaims from the Cross into the depths of our hearts, “That’s not true – none of that is true!”

So, here’s where my deepest longings encountered the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus this Easter:

Good Friday:

Have you ever asked yourself why it’s called “Good”?

Pastor Rachel Srubas explains it beautifully, “A sense of sacred irony, of eloquent mistakes, has for centuries enabled Christians to call the Friday of Jesus’ tortuous execution “good.” This is not a matter of putting a happy spin on a grisly, unjust tragedy. Good Friday, and all Christian life, is about embracing paradox. When you and I embrace Jesus’ essential paradox—that to lose is to gain and to die is to live—we come to God, who gathers up the broken pieces of the world and makes them more complete and beautiful than they were before they broke. It’s a life we get to live here and now, by grace and faith. It’s the life toward which Lent has always pointed.”  

Holy Saturday:

This day we sit in darkness. Today, we experience uncertainty, just as the disciples did, and have no idea what to think or believe about God. (The bold lettering and underlining are my emphasis)

Richard Rohr gives us an understanding of this day through the writings of the unknown 14^th-century author of “The Cloud of Unknowing”. He says, “.…first we have to enter the Cloud of Forgetting—to forget all our certitudes, all our labels, all our explanations….They are nothing but our ego projecting itself. It has nothing to do with objective reality.

The author of The Cloud teaches that after we enter into the Cloud of Forgetting, letting go of our hurts and our labels, then we must go into the Cloud of Unknowing, where we actually don’t need to label anymore…(my emphasis). I think the biblical word for that–is faith. It’s this willingness to live with a certain degree of humility.”

Easter Sunday:

Father Rohr tells us, “Understanding the Universal or Cosmic Christ can change the way we relate to creation, to other religions, to other people, to ourselves, and to God….we won’t be the same after encountering the Risen Christ.

Jesus’ historical transformation allows us to more easily experience the Presence that has always been available since the beginning of time, the promise and guarantee of our own transformation. God’s presence became more obvious and believable in the world. The formless took on form in someone we could “hear, see, and touch” (1 John 1:1), making God easier to love.”

Contemplative theologian Beatrice Bruteau says, “When we take a little time to remember to look, to marvel, we find that there are sources of joy, of esthetic delight, of quiet happiness on every hand….  

Our joy is not confined to ourselves but radiates out to all. Just as Jesus intended to enter into us, that his joy might be in us and our joy might be full (John 15:11), so neither can we contain our joy: our peace and happiness envelop all those around us. When we interact with people—or circumstances—we do not feel drained of energy, as we did when we were still obliged to protect and defend our ego-self….we feel ourselves fully living, full of the richness of God’s life. The reality of God is intensely perceived as present in everything.…   When we are shaken awake, we see it.”

And finally, the words of Matthew Fox brought it all home for me. We are told that death is never final. It will never have the last word. “I cannot dwell in [despair] and death and anger and oppression and submission and resentment and pain forever. I need to wake up, get up, rise up, put on life even when days are dark, and, my soul is down, and shadows surround me everywhere.

How much in love with life am I? Is my curiosity alive? My gratitude? My mind? My imagination? My laughter and sense of humor? My creativity? My powers of generosity and compassion? My powers for continually generating and regenerating life?”  

Resurrection is a commitment to hope and being reborn. It is a commitment to creativity, to the Spirit who “makes all things new” (Revelation 21:5).

How much in love with life am I? Is my curiosity alive? My gratitude? My mind? My imagination? My laughter and sense of humor? My creativity? My powers of generosity and compassion? My powers for continually generating and regenerating life?”  

Now, I could profess to be a “new creation in Christ” (2 Cor. 5:17), and would love to project that out into the world. But I believe saying it and living it are so very different. It’s much easier to say but far more challenging to live.

So, here I am, “shaken awake”, intent on not falling back asleep. I have missed too much. I don’t want to miss another glorious moment of life! God has given us a mandate to live and love fully in this broken world, and as beings created in his image, he has given us all we need to do just that!

If you care to join me on this journey, know that it is not for the faint of heart. It will require every ounce of courage you can muster and challenge every certitude about God you have ever professed. But then, somewhere along the way,  you will encounter God, who has been waiting patiently and lovingly to bring you into your new life!

And, get this, it all comes with a lifetime guarantee! That’s right. If at any point you regret all the energy you poured into the journey, God will give you your old crappy life back! How’s that?!