Category: grace

Perfectly Imperfect

by Linda Russell, posted in Does god control?, embrace change, fear, grace, Healing, life is short, life's trials, perfection

Two things (and a few additions along the way) set me on a journey that I would like to share with you: The book, “One Year to Live” by Stephen Levine, and “A Course in Miracles – Made Easy”, by Allen Cohen.

Spending each moment, each day, as though I only have this one year to live is not a stretch for me. I contemplate my death at times (come on, that’s not so crazy!) trying to realize how precious life is, how fleeting it is, and how much of it I have wasted.

The challenge of “One Year to Live” is to focus on the moment, not the past or the future. To consider what is really important and what is not, to leave a richer legacy for those I leave behind, and to have no regrets. All of which I do fairly well at times and suck at most of the time.

“The Course” promises to take me even deeper. “Mastering the journey from fear to love”.  I pray to be ever present to all God has to teach me along the way.

Levine considers this process “a restoration of the heart when we confront our life and death with mercy and awareness. A year-long experiment in healing, joy, and revitalization.”

(ACIM) “Every moment offers us a choice between fear and love. Fear hurts and love heals. There are no other choices. Answer fear with love and you will find the peace you seek.”

Just this short introduction to both these books has made it so clear that I have wasted more time in the past, in the negative, and in fear than I want to admit. God has given me this precious life, meant to be beautiful, abundant, and rich, and I have tasted such a small sample of it. But I’m still here, still breathing and I can begin again, and again.

(SL) “A year to live gives a person the power to heal that which remains unloved.” I have believed the lies that I am unworthy of love since childhood. I am always on guard to protect a fragile ego that I have created myself. The truth that longs to set me free from these lies is the fact that I am a child of a loving God; made in his image. I am not a worthless, invisible mess, and neither is anyone else. I don’t need to defend an image that is not reality and I don’t need to attack others to protect it.

(SL) “There are two main elements that constitute the foundation of this life’s renewal, (1) exploration of what has gone before and a way of clearing a path for what is to come, and (2), to become more present, more mindful of the process we call life.”

(ACIM) “When you challenge God as to how the world will be changed, his answer is: Through you. You bring the presence of God to the world simply by being yourself (your true self, not the self you created). Each time you choose, your choice is your evaluation of yourself.”

Stephen Levine says that this year should empower me to finally heal that part of me that still feels unloved. The part that is often unloving. Living the lies of the past powerfully impacted the present. What are my limiting beliefs that keep me stuck there? If can recognize them I can change them to empowering and positive beliefs.

All of this work to become aware and to let go of the past, is critical to the work God would have me do. Now I realize that my negative beliefs color my life and rob me of the love, joy and peace that are my birthright.

Yes, I make mistakes (DUH!). It is fear that keeps us from living fully and joyfully in the present. Why is it so hard to believe that God wants to use me (ME!) as a witness to his love?

If all of this isn’t challenging enough, I was also introduced to Marianne Williamson’s book, “The Gift of Change” which refers often to “A Course in Miracles”. Her book is so powerful and reaches to the depth of my being.

Then, I had the blessing of meeting for lunch with a dear friend who introduced me to Christine McDonald. Her story of being sex trafficked for almost twenty years, the drugs and homelessness, physical abuse and often torture, the sense of hopelessness and then the powerful way God moved in her life is a story beyond anything we could ever imagine. And her beautiful spirit is something to behold! I have read her book, “The Same Kind of Human” (which was being considered for a movie at the time).

Sometimes I question if I read too many things at one time. But then I think of it as having several friends and each has a unique relationship with me. All the books I am reading are speaking to that same depth of my heart but in different, unique ways. All sharing one important message, “You’ve got work to do, Linda”. So, shake off your doubts, acknowledge your fears and then let them go. I have plans for you and you’re not getting any younger – just sayin’”.

These teachings have been challenging to say the least. For sure, they are helping  guide me on this journey of change, renewal, awareness, and conviction. Conviction that now is the time. That whatever God has planned for me, whatever steps I have taken to this point, are all converging for a reason. I truly believe that the next adventure I sign up for, and I don’t even know what it is yet, will be my most significant. Ever!

Here is the common theme I see with these authors: meditation and contemplative practice are to be our most critical focus. Then, we focus on how that will be done. Those two things will demand more time and attention than I have ever given to anything.

To that end, I am compelled now to set all else aside and focus on God and on our relationship. That means more time sitting in his presence. Quietly. That’s huge for me! And listening – I’m so bad at listening!

Until now I could never have imagined such intensity of purpose. Fear has always kept me at a safe distance from it. But God has finally broken through this hard shell around my fragile heart.  I thought I had to be perfect for him to love me. But, he has shown me that I have misunderstood what Jesus meant by” perfection” in Matthew 5:48, which has been the cause of my pain and suffering because I felt I never measured up. The wholeness God offers us has nothing to do with perfection.

If we interpret Jesus’ saying, “You must be as perfect as God” through the lense of most religious teachings that has to mean that we can never, ever, ever sin. EVER! – then there’s no hope for any of us.

But many Scripture Scholars don’t believe that was what Jesus meant. Besides, if it was, and we became that perfect human what would we need God for? God knew we would all “sin and fall short”. It’s the nature of humanity.  So, let’s insert the word “strive”. Strive for perfection and when you screw up, which you will, seek God’s forgiveness, which he will, and move along.

I will end with something that will hopefully help you, as it has me: GET OVER YOURSELF! You’re welcome.

Linda, Listen to ME!

by Linda Russell, posted in "Experiencing" God, A Holy Whack, AHA moments, Consider trials pure joy!, Follow Me, grace, listen to me, surrender, Trusting God, Using our gifts, you are enough
(tenor gif)

I know many people, and I’ll bet you do too, perhaps even you, who can’t believe God has a plan for them. Over the years, I have encountered people who don’t believe me when I tell them my story. “Oh, really?! God told you to do that, huh? Right!”  

To be honest, I wouldn’t have believed it myself if he hadn’t gradually brought me to a place where I could trust him, even if I was fearful and had no idea what he was up to. Which, frankly, is still most of the time.

God has always longed to grow me into the person he meant me to be. It was me resisting, me not being present to him, me missing the mystery and majesty that surrounded me because I was just too busy to notice, or more likely, too afraid. So instead, I skipped along, trying to drown out his voice, “Lalalalalalalala, I can’t hear you!”

For years, there were little promptings that, in hindsight, proved to me he was on the job (Romans 8:28). Then bigger ones that required more trust and offered way more grace than I deserved. God opened my heart in ways I could not have imagined.

Though I still mess up – and often – I know God’s response is out of love for me; his admonishments tell me that he loves me too much to let me stay stuck in my messiness.

 We are so used to being in a world that is loud and demanding of our attention. We busy ourselves filling in uncomfortably quiet places. That’s how we miss God’s “still small voice” or “gentle whisper” (1 Kings 19:12). Sure, he’s good at those show-stopper whirlwinds and earthquakes and fire. Even what I have called 2×4 moments but didn’t leave marks like the ones my mother inflicted.

Because of her, I was always on guard for those “laying down the law” whacks that I expected from God, too, when I messed up. However, I believe he speaks more often through the Spirit’s whispers of pure grace.

We can become so enmeshed in and blinded by the things of this world that we miss our whole purpose for being here. So if you are going through life day after unremarkable day, schlepping through the same routine to ad nauseum – STOP IT! Your life has a purpose that God depends on you to fulfill. You matter that much!

We are all called to holiness, called to use the gifts and talents already given us for God’s kingdom work right here – right now. It just takes awareness on our part. (I would highly recommend Anthony DeMello’s book by the same name, “Awareness”).

Leo Tolstoy’s novel, “The Death of Ivan Ilyich,” considered a masterpiece, was written just after his own “profound spiritual awakening” and conversion experience.

While lying on his deathbed, Ilyich ruminated about the reality that his entire life was superficial and self-serving, and he profoundly stated, “Maybe I didn’t live as I should have done.” In the end, he posited a question that Tolstoy must have pondered himself, “What if I really have been wrong in the way I’ve lived my whole life, my conscious life?” Oops, a little late, buddy!

It was too late for Ilyich, but not Tolstoy. He discovered his purpose and rejected his aristocratic life to follow Jesus’ teachings – particularly the Sermon on the Mount. Years later, his writings had a profound impact on Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., and countlessothers.

Soooooo, what are you waiting for? You must still be breathing, or you wouldn’t be reading this. That’s a start. Incredibly, no matter how you lived your life to this point, it’s not too late to begin again. New beginnings are God’s specialty!

“To infinity and beyond!” God coined that phrase, you know. Don’t believe me? HUMPH! Check out Ephesians 3:20, “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” 

Alrighty then, you’re pumped and ready to go, right? You’ve packed your sandals and camel hair coat and checked Google Maps – for what? A sign from God?

(free bible images)

Stop! Take a deep breath. Maybe start by sitting quietly with God and waiting.

Don’t look to anyone else to give you a formula or a checklist to send you on your way to your destiny. But I willtell you this: You cannot love and serve others (which is our greatest calling) until you can love yourself.

And you can’t love yourself by utilizing any of the myriad self-help books on the market. You can only do that by growing in the knowledge that you are deeply and passionately loved first by the God who created you!

And you can only do that by being in relationship with him, which requires your time and attention. You are his son/daughter with whom he is well-pleased (Matthew 17:5). Let that sink in. We are all deeply loved sinners. It’s high time we act like it, don’t you think?

Absolutely, go to church, take the time to read scripture, and pray, But mostly, LISTEN! Geeeezzzzz, we’re so bad at listening.

The Journey to Realness: Transforming Pain into Beauty

by Linda Russell, posted in AHA moments, Boldness in adversity, Consider trials pure joy!, embrace change, forgiveness, grace, Healing, Humility, life's trials, occasions of grace, Our Imperfection, Uncategorized

I have wasted a great deal of time lamenting my aging body. If I ever had ambitions of being a swimsuit model, that’s off the table. You’re welcome!

The wrinkles and bags seem to multiply by the day. It’s why I never want my picture taken. I figured that when I die, and my kids put together that poster board of memories, the “latest” photo of me will be a Glamour Shot from thirty years ago!

Every seasonal change prompts me to donate clothes I don’t wear, haven’t worn for the past ten years, and will likely never fit into again. When I’m finished, the “pile” of items usually consists of a pair of socks someone gave me for Christmas. That’s it. Because – well – maybe I’ll lose weight next year. Hope springs eternal!

My frequent adventures into reality never end well, as they usually prompt me to eat copious amounts of chocolate! Until yesterday, when I read a meditation by my all-time favorite author and human, Kate Bowler. It was titled “Becoming Real”, in which she shares her creation of the “Gospel of the Velveteen Rabbit.” It brought me to tears – good and bad.

Bowler tells us how sad the rabbit is because he’s so worn from being drug around through life. He’s become tattered and torn and fears he’ll be cast aside. No longer his beautiful, fluffy, shiny self. His buddy, the Skin Horse, who’s been around much longer and is much wiser, tells him, “That’s how you become real.”

Bowler explains, “We become real through our wear and tear. By healing from the cruelty we didn’t deserve. By being loved imperfectly and loving imperfectly. In both, we change and keep changing. As the Skin Horse explains, ‘Generally, by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off (check), and your eyes drop out (kinda), and you get loose in the joints and very shabby (check and check). But these things don’t matter because once you are Real, you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.’”

As I reflected on this meditation about the beauty of “being Real,” I realized how much I have focused on the wrong things. I spent so much time lamenting my childhood, the abuse of my mother, the sexual abuse, feelings of being invisible because none of my teachers ever questioned my acting out in school, and an attempted suicide in my twenties. I never allowed myself to see the inner beauty that has made me “Real.”

The transformation of a self-centered, angry, lost little girl to the person God created me to be from the beginning should be a cause for celebration! Has that erased all the bad memories? No. But it has helped relegate them to the past, where they no longer affect my sense of who I am, my worth, and my dignity.

I would not be caring or thoughtful of myself or others, drawn towards serving others, or know how much I have to be grateful for had I not accepted this journey. Even with all its rough patches and dark places, it has made me more joyful and fulfilled than I ever could have imagined.

Oh, believe me, I have many moments of admonition from God when I screw up. More than I care to admit. But my heart is open to seeing my faults and correcting them quickly. I can only do that through a newfound humility and the grace of God.

My Journey to Finding True Purpose and Self-Acceptance

by Linda Russell, posted in "Experiencing" God, A Holy Whack, AHA moments, Boasting, grace, Humility, Our Imperfection, serving others
ttps://tenor.com/view/i-dont-know-how-to-put-this-im-kind-of-a-big-deal-famous-gif-17054350

Oh, the games we play. I know them well. I’ve been playing them all my life. The games that hide our suffering, that mask our own sinfulness, and help us survive.

Growing up, I was always made to believe I was not worthy of love or care. So, I tried desperately to find my worth in things and accomplishments.

I have been artificially propped up by an ego that is always on the alert for another opportunity to impress others, starting years ago as a youth minister and then at Youth-in-Need, hospice, and working with the homeless.

Being pumped up by the admiring comments of others filled a void, “Oh, I admire you for what you do. It takes a special person to do that.” I pretended to brush off the comment while secretly hoping this would be the year I would receive the Time Magazine Person of the Year award. I kinda gave up on that one. I know…shocking!

Are you impressed yet? Do you know who isn’t impressed? Who’s saddened by this litany of “accomplishments” by yours truly? GOD!

1 Cor. 7 speaks directly to the ego, “What are you so puffed up about? What do you have that God hasn’t given you? And if all you have is from God, why act as though you are so great and as though you have accomplished something on your own?” Ouch!

In hindsight, I know God was present in all of this. He watched and waited for my AHA moments; for those moments, I could clearly see my shallow attempts to feed the hunger and loneliness of others – all while denying my own.

And those AHA moments were truly profound! Moments when my initial shallowness transformed into compassion and empathy for those I was serving. That’s how God works. He was converting my heart right in the midst of my brokenness.

So, there’s my story—the good, bad, and ugly. And this is my hope – that I am finally recognizing the person I was created to be and the purpose I am to fulfill for whatever time I have left here: to truly point others to God and not myself.

I’m not sure what tomorrow’s going to look like – but I am sure I’m in good hands! I will leave you with this beautiful song by Casting Crowns: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eQd3K2Fxp4

Do Expiration Dates Matter?

by Linda Russell, posted in AHA moments, forgiveness, grace, the glory of God
clipart-library.com/clipart/LTd5r4GXc.htm

According to the FDA: “With the exception of infant formula, the laws that the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) administers do not preclude the sale of food that is past the expiration date indicated on the label. The FDA does not require food firms to place ‘expired by’, ‘use by’, or ‘best before’ dates on food products. This information is entirely at the discretion of the manufacturer.”

I admit that I can be lax about adherence to those dates. Even perishable food can be tested. Milk is a good example. After it has reached the date on the carton, smell it, and take the tiniest taste. Then, you’ll know if it’s okay for another day—simple enough and money-saving.

To many, the expiration date stamped on food products is gospel, which, they believe, is critical to our health and well-being and justifies throwing away so much food when nearly 34 million Americans suffer food insecurity. 

Then there are human expiration dates

This begs the question: Why do we so stubbornly oppose, ignore, or deny THIS expiration date:

That reality is probably the most profound image of “whistling past the graveyard”. Every one of us has an expiration date. It’s not arbitrary or negotiable. And, yes, it IS set in stone.  

Okay, a bit of clarification: God can change that date if he wants to. He can do anything he wants. But are you willing to bet on that?

It’s also quite possible when your doctor told you you had six months to live – ten years ago – that all those prayers raised to heaven on your behalf were answered. But I believe it’s more probable that the doctor was wrong. It reminds me of the expression, “If it ain’t your time to go, not even a doctor can kill you”.

Anyway…

Here’s a fun factoid (sorry, this is probably gross for you to consider), when we humans reach our final stage of life, usually the last couple of days or hours, there is an unmistakable smell of death (a bit like spoiled milk – only worse!).

It’s one of the signs of the end of life’s journey. I have experienced it sitting vigil with Hospice patients. But don’t count on that smell test to help you decide to hurry up and clean up your act. Unfortunately, at that point, you will be too far gone to make any life-changing decisions.

How to begin to prepare for that fateful day

So many times, I have tried to change, then failed miserably. However, the older I get, the more I realize my time is running out for a course correction.  Perhaps it would be easiest if I start with small changes. Then work up to the, “Damn! You did what, Linda?!”

I can smile at that grouchy neighbor of mine and stop throwing his dog’s poop over his fence after dark – maybe – IDK – I kind of enjoy that!

I can apologize for all the messes I have made in people’s lives. That should fill my time!

It often sucks royally because I’m certain some are not likely to acknowledge or accept my efforts. I must keep trying, though, with humility and by the grace of God, who tells us that our efforts will not be in vain (1 Corinthians 15:58).

With that in mind, I have determined – again – to make an honest effort to make course corrections while I still can. I have so much to consider:

  • Old hurts I have refused to let go of that make me angry and mean.
  • Lies of other broken people I have fed on and nurtured.
  • My own guilt and shame I cannot let go of.
  • And, most importantly, denial of my worth as a beloved child of God.

What’s the goal?

I long to grow in love. I want to use each day, however many I have left, to fully live as the person I was created to be.

Saint Irenaeus said: “The glory of God is man fully alive.”  If we call ourselves Christian, we should want to strive for our faith’s ultimate goal – to love God, love ourselves, and love and care for others. And it’s not a goal we can afford to put off. It’s something we should strive for every day, right here, right now because this is where our heaven and hell reside. We choose heaven and hell daily.

Our hell is right here if that’s the life we are living.

Our heaven is right here if we choose to live as God calls us to.

The Homeless Woman Who Ruined my Lunch

by Linda Russell, posted in A Holy Whack, Do Something, God in the ordinary, grace

(Originally posted on July 27, 2012)

Image by Freepik

What do we hate most about the homeless? In a word – they’re “inconvenient.” They show up in our lives in the most awkward places and inconvenient times. Unless we’re on our guard they can shake our complacency to its core. Why can’t they just stay out of sight, go live in a shelter, get a job, or, at the very least, stand with their signs somewhere else? Who believes they’re really needy anyway? They probably have a nice car parked around the corner that we paid for! Or, if we do give them our measly change, they’ll probably use it for drugs or alcohol.

By the way, I’ve never bought drugs, but I’m pretty sure they cost more than a few coins from the bottom of your purse. Now, as for alcohol, if Boones Farm Strawberry Hill wine is still on the market, that’s probably pretty affordable. At least, it was for me so many years ago. But that’s a story for another day.

So, yesterday, I came to a stoplight at a highway exit. I missed the light and was forced to sit uncomfortably, making every effort to disregard the homeless woman on the corner. It was 104° in the shade, and the light took forever to change! I chose to ignore her because she’s there a lot, and I have given her money in the past. I didn’t feel obliged to give her anything this time.

Finally, I pulled away and went straight to Panera Bread for lunch. Panera Bread is my favorite place to eat, next to home. I always get the Fuji Apple Chicken Salad with Balsamic Vinaigrette on the side. I can no longer eat their lovely whole grain baguettes because I am gluten intolerant. Sad, huh? Poor me…poor, poor pitiful me.

Anyway, as I looked down at my lovely salad, the guilt was so immense I could barely get it down. I was reminded of my most humbling encounter with the homeless woman in Belfast, Northern Ireland, in 2005. I told you about that, right? And yet, here I was again, confronted with my hardness of heart, listening remorsefully to God’s admonishments and offering my feeble response, “I’m so sorry, Lord. I did it again. I am so sorry!”

I packed up my salad, got in my car, and prayed as I drove toward the overpass where she stood, “Please be there, please be there!” She was still there! You would think I won the lottery! I quickly drove up the highway ramp, exited, got back on the highway, and exited again where she was standing, all the while digging in my purse for money. $10? No! This was at least a $20 transgression. Yes, $20. Like God would be more impressed with that. I’m a moron!

This time, when the light turned red, there were four cars in front of me. I threw my car in park, got out, and ran to her (she was limping so badly the first time, I didn’t want her to have to hobble up the hill. I felt bad enough as it was). I handed her the money, hugged her sweaty, dirty body, returned the blessing she offered me first, and ran back to my car, which, by then, was blocking traffic.

Now, I know what you may be thinking, “You’re such a sucker, Linda! It was all an act and the limp was fake”. Maybe that’s true, but here’s the thing. I don’t give a rip if it was all staged for effect, and God doesn’t either. He only wants to know where our hearts are. Then, He wants to dig in there and transform them if we allow him to.

Not surprisingly, this lesson was just beginning. They say life repeats its lessons over and over until we get them. And I am, hands down, to God’s dismay, the world’s slowest learner. This, clearly, was going to require some additional work, and God was happy to oblige.

On the same evening of my encounter with the smelly likes of Jesus, I attended a gathering of old high school friends. Those encounters always include the ones we never liked, and I had the misfortune of sitting next to one of them. She was still as crabby and mean as she was then, with some additional flab and wrinkles – which secretly delighted me.

I hate to call myself out on this, but it’s pertinent to this story. Please don’t judge me, I do enough of that on my own. Anyway, one of my honest-to-goodness friends asked me how my work with the homeless for St. Vincent dePaul was going (I know, busted!). Well, this woman with no filter, began to spew her indignation toward those nasty homeless people who have the nerve, the nerve, to interrupt her life! If, if, she was going to give any of them money she wanted to control what they did with it. Great!

I sat and listened to her rail against them and mumbled under my breath, “Lord, really? Did you set this up? It would be just like you! Fine. Can I get a beer, because this is going to take a while, isn’t it? By the way, have I said how sorry I am that we have to revisit my cold, hard indifference to those You love so deeply?

I would soon have an hour’s drive home to ponder it all, in particular, my hesitation to discuss it with that woman at our meeting (she’s not really my friend anyway) The words God spoke to my heart penetrated my very soul, “Woe to you, Linda. You hypocrite! Don’t even think about judging her!” Right, okay, I have no right to judge anyone. But, what I wanted to say to her – I needed to hear myself. So here it goes…

We have our favorite defenses against helping the homeless. The most common seem to be:

  • I can’t help everyone.
  • It’s not my responsibility.
  • I want to know what they are going to do with the money.
  • They’re lazy; they need to get a job.
  • Or, my all-time favorite: Let’s put it on God. – “LORD, WHY DO YOU ALLOW THIS, WHY DON’T YOU DO SOMETHING?!”

The next morning, I tried to sit quietly in prayer (I’m warning you, don’t do that unless you are prepared for your life to change forever!). God showed up! As I considered the reasons we hold our clenched fists so tightly around our measly handful of change, I had a picture of a long line of homeless people standing in front of me. Each one approached and stood there as I grilled them to determine if they were worthy of my precious change. Most I would usher off to the right, UNDESERVING. Very few would I send to the left, DESERVING, where I would hand them a few paltry tokens and expect their undying gratitude.

Then, I saw Jesus standing there. Now I was in line – a line that stretched beyond my field of vision. I watched as each person approached him in trembling anticipation. But, it wasn’t money he was handing out, it was God’s grace.

Most, he would ruthlessly question, “What have you done to deserve this? What will you do with it? Why should I give it to you?” – and then gesture to the right, UNDESERVING. A few would be sent to the left and showered with more grace and blessings than they could stuff in their pockets! I quickly got out of line and ran home to get a suitcase, certain I was going to the left and prepared to capture all the blessings Jesus would bestow on me. I was pumped!

Finally, I reached the front of the line, and without hesitation, Jesus looked at my pathetic life and gestured to the right, UNDESERVING. Slumped over in disbelief, dragging my empty suitcase behind me, I followed the long line of the unworthy masses. (I’m a visual person – I hate when God uses “Loser Linda” parables in vivid pictures!)

Even claiming to be Christian, we live our lives in the realm of the worthy vs. the unworthy. It defines who we are, who our neighbors are, who the poor and destitute are, and we act accordingly. When we can muster just a smattering (yes, I made that word up., I like it!) of concern for others, we raise our voice to the heavens in outrage, “Lord, I don’t know how you can just sit there and watch your people, especially children, suffer.”

What we fail to remember is that God came into our midst to reveal a different reality. He gives and gives abundantly. He forgives profusely, even my sorry self. Not one of us is deserving. We ask for His mercy, grace, and forgiveness, and it is ours. There are no lines to stand in. There is no reason to doubt or fear. The abundance of God’s grace is beyond measure. The riches of His generosity have no limits. But, we, like the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:21-35), quickly forget.

Jesus came to serve. He commissioned his disciples to “feed My sheep”. In Matthew’s gospel (14:13-21), five thousand people converged on Jesus. His disciples, aware they had brought no food, insisted he send them home to feed themselves. And what was Jesus’ reply? “You feed them.” God provided…and all the people were given their fill, with food to spare.

You feed them. You do it!

The fact that there are people starving and dying every day and have been for time eternal is not because of poor planning on God’s part. It’s because many of us who have been given much (Luke 12:48) give little in return. That’s not how it’s supposed to work.

Listen, if God’s intent was to have a perfect human race, where no one suffered and no one was capable of the atrocities we witness almost daily, He could have just hard-wired us to obey Him completely. Problem solved. Not quite. God did not want robots. He deeply loved humankind and wanted that love returned – voluntarily.

The love God calls us to, by definition, requires us to love everyone. And loving them means caring for them, feeding them, giving generously from our abundance of blessings. And, for the love of God, stop judging them! We are Christ’s hands and feet in this broken world. They should be moving.

And lastly, I thank you, you beautiful woman on the street corner, for showing me Christ!

Grandma…Really! Should You be Doing That?

by Linda Russell, posted in Boldness in adversity, Consider trials pure joy!, grace, gratitude, Laugh at yourself
(CREDIT: Sacha Goldberger)

Cellulite and shrinking bladders.

We’ve been thinner, and we’ve been fatter.

Aches and pains; always have to pee.

Adjusting to new hips and knees.

No trophies sitting on the shelf,

Just accolades we give ourselves.

Paltry savings in the bank.

Is this God’s dirty little prank?

The age of seventy-four is magical for me. I can’t contain myself when I consider all the experiences I have grown through. Fierce rejections, false truths, exquisite God-moments, giggly grandkids, and cherished relationships that have endured my messiness and painful childhood memories, all washed over by grace.

I have embraced a calling that gives meaning and purpose to it all. I can barely believe this is my life! My once insignificant story has blossomed into something holy and beautiful that makes me want to sing! If only I could sing.

Many, at this point, feel they have made an irreparable mess of their lives. Yet, it seems easier to continue the incessant navel-gazing than to allow God to gaze into their hardened hearts and change their lives.

And if we weren’t beating ourselves up enough, the world also tells us that we have outlived our usefulness. We are sucking valuable air and resources that would better serve the younger and more “productive.” We should simply lie down and die already.

But for others like me, grace has led us through much self-reflection, releasing a false self we so easily embraced, finally leading us to the necessary letting go. We have stopped fighting against it. With newfound courage, we have sought out forgiveness from those we have hurt and offer forgiveness to our offenders.

We have no one to impress and no status to protect. Our once false reliance on all that is worldly has been exposed. It pales in comparison to the treasure of relationships, beginning with God. As long as we are still breathing (you are still breathing, aren’t you?), we can leave a legacy of love in the hearts of those we share this journey with.

But wait. Look around you. Are you reveling in that grace-filled stage of your life alone? If so, someone is missing. If you are here and those who continue to suffer are over there, you have probably forgotten your purpose! (Mark 12:30-31). Every day brings a new opportunity for us to step onto the path of someone else’s journey to wholeness and healing. And please do it with great joy and enthusiasm!  

1 Peter 3:15 tells us, “… always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you….” News flash! No one is even going to ask if we are not living differently than the rest of the world if we spew cynicism from every pore of our wrinkled and aging bodies.

Joy is loving out loud!

I believe young people, in particular, need to hear that there really is Good News! But they don’t want to hear it from a bunch of grumpy old people.

You may ask, “With the world in such a mess, why shouldn’t we be cynical?” Well, I’ll tell you why. Cynicism is the devil’s tool for keeping non-believers away from salvation’s door. “Look,” says the non-believer, “those Christians are just as miserable as we are – maybe more so with all those thou-shalt-nots to contend with. If we’re going to be miserable, we’ll do it on our terms. Thank you very much.”

The quality that draws people to Christianity isn’t gloom and doom. Instead, it’s deep-down joy, even in the midst of trials and struggles. Joy causes the lonely and suffering to peer up from their pit of despair and ask, “Why are you so damn cheerful? What do you know that we don’t?” 

 Here are a couple of frightening statistics to consider: 1) seventy percent of Christian youths abandon their faith during college years and never return to it  (LifeWay Research), and 2) suicide is the third-leading cause of death among ten to twenty-four-year-olds (CDC). In both instances, we need to ask ourselves why. And more importantly, what have we done to convince these young people that Christ isn’t worth following, that joy isn’t worth seeking, that life isn’t worth living? When they look at us, what do they see?

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Do they see this? I can’t imagine anyone skipping joyously into the second half of life if this was all we had to offer; aches and pains and life’s dreadful stains. Just shoot me!

Or do they see this? 

Now, this is a different story! No, that picture was not photoshopped. That was my husband, who loved being silly with the grandkids. Okay, maybe it’s a bit extreme for some folks, but I think it’s hysterical, and our grandkids LOVED it. Since his passing, they now have beautiful memories of him. I kind of wish I would have done it now. But I don’t think it would have been as funny. Anyway, my claim to fame was “the running game” and the “tickle monster” – and I participated in them with great gusto!

“What this country needs are radicals who will stay that way regardless of the creeping years.” ~John Fischer

So go find someone to love on. Maybe even a teenager. Really! From many years of being a Youth Minister, I can tell you that teens are not as scary as you might think. I decided to “retire” from that ministry because I thought I was too old. Someone younger would be better suited to the job and relate better to them.

On the contrary, I found that being able to care about teens is not determined by age; it’s determined by how much we care. That’s all they want, someone to care and offer them hope and encouragement. They long for someone to help them reach within themselves to find that child who may have been lost to society but is NEVER lost to the God who created them. I know. I’ve been there. What about you?

Here are some things I have learned about life. Some the hard way:

  1. Failure is never final, and love is never wasted.         
  2. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hurt you the way you have hurt me.
  3. Eat dessert first.
  4. I would look stupid in skinny jeans even if I could fit into them – which I can’t.
  5. Pride is overrated – laugh at yourself – often.
  6. That jerk in your day-to-day life is trying to teach you something – pay attention.
  7. Surrender is a daily act of courage, risk, and trust.
  8. Be silly! We don’t have enough silliness in this world.
  9. Leave your little corner of the world better than you found it.

Words of wisdom from Richard Rohr: “The Jesus way is to embrace our wounds and accept them as the price of the journey. We can choose to carry our wounds with dignity until the time comes when we forget why they were so important or debilitating to begin with. I think we carry our wounds until the end; they do not fully go away but keep us humble, patient, and more open to trust and intimacy. The healing lies in the fact that those same wounds no longer defeat us or cause us to harm ourselves or others.”

And finally, a quote that should conjure up an “OH CRAP” moment for all of us: 

“Hell begins on the day when God grants us a clear vision of all that we might have achieved, of all the gifts which we have wasted, of all that we might have done which we did not do”  Gian Carlo Menotti

The Absurdity of Hatred/The Audacity of Forgiveness

by Linda Russell, posted in AHA moments, Consider trials pure joy!, forgiveness, grace, Healing

It may seem crazy to imagine Satan having any defining joy in his life. Seriously! Does he countdown days to special holidays? Review photos of favorite vacations with the family? Post pics of him and his buds at a hockey game? Laugh hysterically at anything remotely comical?!

Well…there is one thing – and only one thing – that does get him all giddy in the midst of his miserableness, and we stupid humans seem to love indulging him. It happens when we judge others and refuse to forgive. That is what Satan thrives on, and we seem so eager to comply, even those of us who profess to be Christians. I would go so far as to say “especially” Christians, get sucked into that ego-driven sense of superiority over others. I have to confess that I am just as guilty, though I’d like to believe I’m better than I used to be. I suppose it depends on who you ask.

Nearly twenty years ago, I thought the “revelation” that came to me about forgiveness when I was in Kentucky (which I wrote about in my book) was my most profound life-changing moment ever! Until it wasn’t. Even though I came away from that experience proclaiming the magical, mystical healing power of God!

Oh, sure, I played the game. The “I’m fine. Great actually. No, really! I’m totally healed of all my past shit” game! The game God reveals when, for a split second, I get out of His way. That moment when I let my guard down and leave just a crack in the door of my hardened heart and He shoves His foot in before I can slam it shut again. I hate when that happens!

Recently, I was confronted again by the call of God to forgive. The two people that caused me the most suffering and hurt – my mother, and the relative I have never named publicly, have both passed away. The funeral services were unremarkable and sparsely attended. The realization of that struck me profoundly! Two people who caused me so much hurt, I believe now, suffered more than I did. I never considered that possibility.

I was given the gift of grace when I was able to see the brokenness of their lives and truly feel empathy for them. Yes, they both made messes in my life, but I have also experienced healing and, as a result, have, for the most part, lived a rich and fulfilled life.

I have been blessed with a loving family and friends and have so much to be thankful for. Most importantly, a God who never gives up on me, never keeps count of my sinfulness, and loves me unconditionally often in spite of my foolishness and forgetfulness of His mercy and love. The profound truth of God’s love gets so lost when we prefer to live on the periphery where it is safer, and Satan tries his best to keep us there.

A life of faith has always been about transformation, our dying to self, and being renewed. It takes place when we step outside our theology of reward and punishment; when we decide we are bone-tired of suffering and causing the suffering of others. It happens when we step into the terror as well as the awesomeness of being human. In that place, God does His best work and can awaken the creation of something new within us. (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Father Richard Rohr tells us, “For many of us, suffering is a cycle. We go back and forth, holding on and letting go, healing, hurting anew, and healing again. Suffering, of course, can lead us in either of two directions: (1) it can make us very bitter and cause us to shut down, or (2) it can make us wise, compassionate, and utterly open, because our hearts have been softened.

We’re not perfect. The project of learning how to love—which is our only life project—is quite simply learning to accept this….If you really love anybody then you have learned to accept a person despite, and sometimes even because of, their faults.”

Also consider these thoughts of Desmond Tutu on what he calls “Essential Humility”, “We are able to forgive because we are able to recognize our shared humanity. We are able to recognize that we are all fragile, vulnerable, flawed human beings capable of thoughtlessness and cruelty. We also recognize that no one is born evil and that we are all more than the worst thing we have done in our lives. A human life is a great mixture of goodness, beauty, cruelty, heartbreak, indifference, love, and so much more.“

Never, Never, Never Give Up

by Linda Russell, posted in "Experiencing" God, AHA moments, fear, Follow Me, God in the ordinary, grace, Sermon on the Mount, serving others, Using our gifts, you are enough
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I know so many people, and I’ll bet you do too, perhaps even you, who just can’t believe God has a plan for them. Over the years, I have encountered people who don’t believe me when I tell them my story. “Oh, really?! God told you to do that, huh? Right!”

To be honest, I wouldn’t have believed it myself if He hadn’t gradually brought me to a place where I could trust Him even if I was fearful and had no idea what He was up to.

For years, there were little promptings that, in hindsight, proved to me that He was on the job (Romans 8:28). Then, bigger ones that required more trust, offered way more grace than I deserved, and opened my heart more than I could have imagined.

God always longed to grow me into the person He meant for me to be. It was me resisting, not being present to Him, and missing the mystery and majesty that surrounded me because I was just too busy to notice or, more likely, too afraid. Instead, I skipped along, trying to drown out His voice, “Lalalalalalalala, I can’t hear you!”

Even what I have called God’s 2×4 moments didn’t leave marks like the ones my mother inflicted. Because of her, I was always on guard for those “laying down the law” whacks that I expected from God, too, when I messed up. But, I believe He more often speaks through Spirit – whispers of pure grace.

We can be so enmeshed in and blinded by the things of this world we miss out on our whole purpose for being here. If you are going through life day after unremarkable day, schlepping through the same routine ad nauseum – STOP IT! Your life has a purpose. You matter that much!

We are all called to holiness, to use the gifts and talents already given us for God’s kingdom work right here – right now. It just takes awareness on our part. (I would highly recommend Anthony DeMello’s book by the same name, Awareness).

Leo Tolstoy’s novel, “The Death of Ivan Ilyich,” is considered a masterpiece. It was written after his “profound spiritual awakening” and conversion experience. While lying on his deathbed, Ilyich ruminated about the reality that his entire life was superficial and self-serving, and he profoundly stated, “Maybe I didn’t live as I should have done!”

In the end, he posited a question that Tolstoy must have pondered himself, “What if I really have been wrong in the way I’ve lived my whole life, my conscious life?” Oops, a little late, buddy!

“Hell begins on the day when God grants us a clear vision of all that we might have achieved, of all the gifts which we have wasted, of all that we might have done which we did not do” Gian Carlo Menotti

It was too late for Ilyich, but not Tolstoy. He discovered his purpose and rejected his aristocratic life to follow Jesus’ teachings – particularly the Sermon on the Mount. Years later, his writings also profoundly impacted Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., and countless others.

Soooooo, what are you waiting for? You must still be breathing, or you wouldn’t be reading this. That’s a start. Incredibly, no matter how you lived your life to this point, it’s not too late to begin again. New beginnings are God’s specialty! He has proven that through the lives of every misfit, from Moses to this ole grandma.

To infinity and beyond! God coined that phrase, you know. Don’t believe me? HUMPH! Check out Ephesians 3:20, “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.”

Alrighty then, you’re pumped and ready to go, right? You’re packing your sandals and camel hair coat and checking Google Maps… for what? A sign from God?

Stop! Take a deep breath. Maybe start by sitting quietly with God and waiting.

Don’t look to anyone to give you a formula or a checklist to send you on your way to sainthood. But I will tell you this: You cannot love and serve others, which is our greatest calling, until you can love yourself. And you can’t love yourself using any of the myriad self-help books on the market.

You can only do that by growing in the knowledge that you are deeply and passionately loved first by the God who created you! And you can only do that by being in relationship with Him, which requires your time.

You are His son/daughter with whom He is well-pleased (Matthew 17:5). Let that sink in. We are deeply loved sinners. It’s high time we act like it, don’t you think?

.Absolutely, go to church, take the time to read scripture, and pray, But mostly...LISTEN! Geeeezzzzz, we’re so bad at listening.

God’s Full Refund Offer

by Linda Russell, posted in "Experiencing" God, fear, forgiveness, grace, Intimacy, Our Imperfection, relationships are hard, surrender, the glory of God, you are enough

You can return any gift from God, no questions asked

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It seems like such a stretch – no – an impossibility, for us to accept what God desires from us and for us.  Not a list of commands we can tick off like the rich guy in Matthew (19:16), not a quick rote prayer on our way to more important things, not a list of complaints we keep bringing to him until they are heard and remedied.

And so, here we are, stuck in our miserable small lives, blaming our unhappiness on God or some inept human and demanding the universe be reordered in our favor! 

We seem oblivious to life’s special moments with friends and loved ones, majestic sunsets, breathtaking rainbows, and, most of all, a magnificent life full of richness and purpose.  All planned out for us by a God who doesn’t do ordinary and never did.

Afraid of intimacy

Do you ever think about why we stay stuck there?  I believe we are afraid of intimacy.  Deny it, poo-poo it, thumb your nose at it, but think about it.  Keeping ourselves at arm’s length from a relationship with God and others requires nothing from us.  Intimacy is too scary.  But surprisingly, it too makes no demands.  By its nature, it cannot demand.

Intimacy is the love relationship modeled for us by the Father and his beloved Son through the work of the Spirit.  It is self-emptying and gratuitous.  It seeks the best for others over our own wants and needs.  It is life-giving, and it is what God longs for with every one of us.  He beacons us into a relationship with him, and he will court, swoon, and get all mushy over us until we let go of our fears.  

Afraid of vulnerability

But intimacy requires trust and vulnerability; we’re terrified of being vulnerable and exposing our weaknesses.  Yeah, I tried that once.  No thanks.  

If we could realize that vulnerability is not a character flaw to be conquered.  It is integral to our relationship with God and is meant to be transforming.  It means accepting and loving who we truly are, sins and all.  It is birthed in the grace of God, not shame.

We continually believe that we’re not good enough, not perfect enough, not “holy” enough. Who told us that? I can think of several people, beginning with my parents, especially my mother. Unfortunately, countless more people have been eager to reinforce that lie over the years. When you think about it, it’s amazing that we allow other broken people to define us and determine our worth. Then point to them when we try to prove to God that we are not worthy of love.

Truth be told, it’s the ego that holds us back, which is a paradox, actually. The ego is our sacred cow. And yet, we live this meager, paltry, desolate life tethered to our fears while pumping up our false selves for display to anyone who threatens our fragile sense of self.  

I wasted so many years trying to defend myself against the lies and blamed God for all my misery. In my lowest moments, I accused Him of not caring, “If you loved me, where were you when I needed you?! What was I supposed to think when You were silent while my mother abused me?”  More silence. “Yeah, I thought so.” Then, proving my point, I could go off and do what I pleased. You’re on your own, Linda.  

I’m pretty sure God was silent in those moments because he knew I was a hot mess, that my heart was too closed off to hear him. I wasn’t interested in healing. I just wanted him to bring down fire and brimstone on everyone else.

Fear denies us a loving, generous, merciful, forgiving, extraordinary relationship with God, and in turn, with others. Instead, we settle for crumbs. We live in defiance of our truth because it seems impossible to believe God would really “desire” our broken, self-centered, imperfect selves. What Glennon Doyle calls “this crappy version of ourselves”. Instead of embracing it, we give up trying because it’s just too hard to be the flawless human we’ve been led to believe God requires. We’re certain that we are a disappointment to him. That he’s tallying up all our transgressions. It’s really annoying.

Fear has a source that God continually warns us about. I love this quote from John Eldridge:

Our capacity to love is innate

When we don’t believe in our blessedness, we begin to doubt and fear.  So, how do we get beyond that?  How do we learn to embrace; to love what God sees in us?  Perhaps we should start with this truth: Even if your parents failed to love you well, it’s okay.  You are okay because you already possessed an innate capacity to love and be loved before God formed you in your mother’s womb.  

Our mothers, no matter if they love us well or totally suck at nurturing, are not the creators of our essence.  That distinction is God’s alone.  Got that?  Let that soak in.

And the journey begins

I was able to begin my long road to change when I came face-to-face with this God who seems to forget our offenses even when we can’t.  Not a change that signifies accomplishment but change that begins with me embracing my messiness, brokenness, and imperfections.

One of my most powerful moments of growth came when I realized that my mother, my mean, abusive mother, was loved by God.  But, sadly, she was never able to grasp her truth.  When I was younger, I hated her and told her so.  I believe she lived and died, never knowing the person God longed for her to accept and embrace as his beloved daughter.  

What I wouldn’t give to have her back.  What I wouldn’t give to offer her the forgiveness and love that I now know.  But when she was alive, I was too lost and broken myself.  God knows that, and he has been relentlessly pursuingmy heart so that I could forgive myself and offer his love to others.  

I honestly feel that the moment I could forgive my mom, even though it was long after she died, that our spirits connected, and that mysterious, mystical love of God transcended all our barriers and healed our hearts.  I could deeply sense it even though I couldn’t explain it.  But, of course, as soon as you try to “explain” mystery, it is no longer mystery.

God’s love resides in the depth of our hearts

When we allow ourselves to open our hearts to God, the magic begins.  Suddenly, our worldly longings don’t seem so significant.  We stop demanding anything from anyone, ourselves included.  If we can get just a tiny taste of the peace and indescribable joy God will bring to our lives when just sitting in his presence becomes everything, it is equivalent to heaven because it is heaven.

Jesus said to all with ears to hear, which has never been many, “For indeed, the kingdom of God is within you” (my emphasis).  Luke 17:21.  You don’t have to strive for it or wait until you “get to heaven, to experience it

Wake up!

Saint Irenaeus said, “The glory of God is man fully alive”.  Conversely, the joy of Satan is man sound asleep.  Are we even aware that there is a battle raging in our hearts that is continuous and unrelenting?  Jesus warned about it, but we’re not listening because we don’t think it applies to us.  

How much of Scripture do you believe is meant for us today; is intended to be a guidepost for how we should live and move and have our being?  And how much do we toss away as irrelevant?  That, my friends, is Satan at his most cunning.  Like that pesky snake in the garden, “Oh, come on, you don’t really believe all that stuff do you?!  God wants you to have a fun-filled life with no worries! Party on, munchkins”.

Jesus warned his followers then and warns us now, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they (you and me included) may have life and have it to the full”.  John 10:10. Do you feel like you’re living your fullest life possible?  Or does it feel like one hurdle after another to overcome so many barriers, heartaches, and detours that wear you down?

God’s Challenge

“Try me out for thirty days.  When you arise in the morning, come talk to me first.  Read some Scripture, tell me what’s on your mind, what breaks your heart.  You may already be doing that, but I would ask you to go deeper because this is where it gets real.  Give me ten or fifteen quiet minutes without expecting anything.  Then, if you don’t feel something stirring within you (by the way, that would be me), I will give you your miserable life back!  What do you say?” – God

I see you there, thinking, “Yeah, been there, done that, and got lost in a maze of “rules and regulations” along the way.  But I’m busy, and this is complicated.  Can you just give me the bullet points?”

I think we have the notion that God doesn’t understand our obsession with bullet points in our hurried life.  Look how we are drawn to articles that provide 5 Easy Steps to _________ (fill in the blank).  Four would be even better.  Just get to the point!  

Actually, he did.  Perhaps he made it too easy, and we can’t wrap our minds around something so simple.  Ready?

1 Easy Step to permanent peace and joy:

  • “Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10 – Any questions?

Eaten by Dogs

by Linda Russell, posted in forgiveness, grace, Love the Lord your God, Love your neighbor

(Originally posted on March 16, 2012)

Our number one, most important, above all else – not “boy, I sure would like you to consider doing this” – commandment is, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. The second is this: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:28-34

We are loved by God – completely and unconditionally! We are forgiven and forgiven and forgiven again. Can I get an AMEN?! God expects us to love others and forgive their transgressions against us in return. Can I get an “AAUGH”!?

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Charlie Brown

Matthew 18:21-32 tells us how and why God expects us to forgive – a lot! – “One day, during some downtime, Peter asked Jesus. “How many times do I have to forgive people that push my buttons because I’m at six right now with my neighbor. Will one more do it?” Jesus sighed, “No, Peter, try seventy times seven and then some.”

Here comes a parable…”Once upon a time, a king demanded a huge debt be paid by one of his servants. When he couldn’t pay, the king was going to throw his entire family, the dog, and two fish in jail. The servant begged him to give him more time, and he could keep the fish as ransom. Feeling all generous the king canceled the entire debt. The servant, quick to forget his generosity, went after another servant who owned him what amounted to pocket change. Without any sympathy, he demanded his money and immediately threw the guy in jail when he couldn’t pay. The king got wind of it, changed his mind, threw the first guy in jail, sent his family home, and kept the fish.”THE END. The lesson is about us showing others the mercy God shows us without keeping count.

Every person possesses an inherent human dignity by the very nature of the fact of who and Whose we are. Dignity and worth belong even to those we hate or reject; those who annoy, provoke, and get on our last nerve. That was Jesus’ mission and message.

The person we struggle with most is the person who mirrors something about us that we refuse to see. They are in our lives to teach us a lesson about ourselves, and they will continue to annoy and anger us until we learn that lesson. Even when they move on, and we think we are rid of them, someone else comes along to take their place.

Sit with this lovely quote for a while and see if it doesn’t make you squirm: “You only love God as much as the person you hate the most.” Ouch!

I’m willing to tell on myself here. I often like to convince myself and everyone around me that I have my life altogether and that my compassion and love for others would rival Mother Theresa. Then someone comes along, and in a millisecond, the false self I thought I sent packing long ago, or have become comfortable with, rears its ugly head. Within my own family, I have gone from “Mother of the Year” to “Mommie Dearest” at the speed of lightning!

Just when I have visions of myself as the Proverbs 31 woman, “A good woman is hard to find and worth far more than diamonds. Her husband trusts her without reserve and never has reason to regret it. Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long.” – my husband riles me – and poof – from Saint Linda to Jezebel in the blink of an eye. And you know how she ended up, don’t you? No? Are you ready? It’s not pretty…

The dogs ate her! (1 Kings 16 – 2 Kings 9). Ewwwwwww!

(Gustave Dore)

So, what do you say? Let’s show some love and thankfulness for the God of second chances, shall we?